Okay Im serious about it now, But pleasee just help me pray and give me advice?

okie well i was born and raised in christianity and idk i just turned fourteen and i want this hwole year to be about him and him only. I want to wake up knowing i have pleased God. I just rescently drank 4 lokos and smoked and popped some pills i knoww its like wow and i am very ashamed i know i did wrong and i shiuldnt do that its just when problems come i turn to that and i want to change i want to devote myself to Gpd 100% i just i dont know when i was like ten i was abused and yet i forgot aboutit til i was reminded about it this year and everytime they say believe i turn to doubt because i say where was God then my dad use to be violent like months ago and i just i dont know i love god i truly do bu i just want to feel him again how do i do that